Debate Nice: Why do we disagree?

Debate Nice

If children see adults who can’t listen to their opponents, disagree with respect and learn to step back in peace, then what hope for our future?

We need to change ourselves and lead young people.

Four Key Ideas

Listen - commit to widen your network, take time to properly listen to those who oppose you, work to understand their perspective. People say things for a reason. What is that reason? It might not be obvious, but think.

Respect - show your fellow humans respect, speak to them in a way that recognises they are your equal and protects their mental health. Life is a gift to all, be careful not to be complicit in anything that steals gift that from someone else.

Agree - think about things, support the views you agree with, no matter where they come from. Avoid agreeing simply out of tribalism.

Disagree - think about things, challenge the views you disagree with, no matter where they come from. Avoid disagreeing simply out of tribalism

Debate Nice is not about not disagreeing. Disagreement is valuable and essential to our freedom. But it is about debating in a healthy way and disagreeing nicely. If you understand the reasons you and others disagree and the reasons we express disagreement in the ways you do then maybe it might make you think about how you present your thoughts and comments differently to the world. Express in a way that’s healthy for you and that’s healthy for others. Choose an approach that builds up, moves forward and makes a difference in a positive way.

Explore your emotions and deep-rooted bias - why do you disagree? 

The following section is intentionally brutal and critical, but not personal. The purpose is to jolt you to consider you own position and that of others. Don’t place these labels onto anyone else. Don’t take offence or tie yourself up with guilt. Simply read, reflect and consider whether you need to change anything. These examples may relate to everyone, to someone, to no-one. That doesn’t matter. But if problems stem from some of these places then let’s address them in ourselves for the sake of all.

1.    The Expert - Do you think the other person is less educated that you? Maybe they are. Is it a privilege to have the knowledge you have? Should you generously share your knowledge rather than hitting someone over the head with it? Can you recall a time when you were in the wrong? Have you accidentally become a bully? Have your comments become arrogant or nasty? Have you evaluated whether your approaches actually ever change anyone’s mind? Experts have the greatest responsibility in debate. They’re often going to have the advantage of being right and it’s their ability to lead the tone of debate in a way that holds greatest potential for change. Work on producing quality reasoning in a non-personal format.

2.    The Oppressed - Do you feel oppressed by the other person? Does that person know this? Do they understand your thoughts, perspective, feelings and experience? Not everyone knows what you know. Do your comments get out of hand though as, feeling weak, you struggle to convey your position to those in power. You no doubt need to stay strong. But maybe you also need to keep working to find the most effective way to communicate your oppression to those who oppress you and to others who may not see this. People with open eyes react differently to those whose eyes are closed. Eyes often cannot be forced open though and spiky bitterness from the depth of your emotions can accidentally poison your message. Take time before you respond.

3.    The Advocate - Do you feel a need to advocate for justice for others? Are you driven by a real and deeply felt emotional connection to the abused, vulnerable or weak in society? Your disagreement in this case likely comes from a place of compassion. But it is possible that your heady and emotional delivery of points can cloud your judgement and arguments. Do you need to take a moment to calm yourself before responding in order to ensure your communication is effective?

4.    The Green Eyed - Are you jealous of the other person? For just or unjust reasons, does the other person have more than you? This could be in terms of finance, status, opportunity, intelligence or some other aspect. Do you harbour anger or resentment stemming from the fact they have what you want and you don’t have it? Is this affecting your interactions? Is anger at them going to change the game?

5.    The Entrepreneur- Are you promoting a business? Do you have a book coming out? Do you have an event to promote? Controversy sells; but what price, your success? Self-promotion and business activity is actually fine, but take a moment to reflect before you post controversial comments which are purely for commercial attention.

6.    The Influencer- Do you disagree for attention? Do you realise you’re doing it? Are you fanning the flames of conflict because it makes you stand out or makes you famous? Do you stand to gain or maintain power or influence? But what’s the fallout of the controversy you caused? Was it worth it? Is fracture the legacy you wish to leave behind?

7.    The Seeker- Maybe you disagree because you crave the attention it can bring you personally? You’re valuable as you, you don’t need the attention of others to validate that. Social media is a highly effective way to self-medicate an addiction to attention but take care that it’s not leading you to dark places. Seek real world connection through local community groups or sites for building friendships - this desire is perfectly normal, but seek it from the right places. Be kind to yourself.

8.    The System 1 Human - Do you disagree due to bias? Our actions and decisions are riddled with cognitive bias and sometimes this makes us prone to treat people differently. The halo effect is particularly relevant, confirmation bias too and no doubt there are more. This is likely so deep rooted that even reading this won’t help you identify it. Reflect on who you disagree with though and widen your network to hear a range of views. Consider that you maybe only agree or disagree because the point came from a certain source or because it resonates with ideas you already have. 

9.    The National - Do you disagree due to miscommunication or lack of understanding? Words are polysemic and regional dialects, age, culture and other factors means our use of language differs in numerous, often subtle, ways. Using the same word does mean both parties accept the same meaning, this could well be so deeply internalised that it will difficult to spot. And absence of verbal tone, facial expression and physical gesture exacerbate this problem considerably. Do you need to pause and evaluate the likelihood of this in your debates before you get carried away on a misunderstanding?

10. The Swept Along - Do you disagree because of the other people in this list? Are you oblivious to their drivers? Do you end up getting drawn into something but then find yourself fuelling it or unable to back down? Maybe you need to take a minute to evaluate your own position before you get swept away and respond.

11. The Joker - Do you disagree because you are blasé and not bothered? Twitter banter is playful entertainment for you and you simply enjoy winding other people up for entertainment? Are they aware they’re part of your game? Is this having unintended consequences? Can you find other more beneficial forms of entertainment? This could be genuinely harmless humour, but just make sure.

12. The Ill-Informed - Do you disagree because YOU don’t understand? Have you been swayed by inaccurate data or information, persuasive tactics or lies from others? Do you need to evaluate the sources of your information before you charge head first into an argument to ensure you’re making points from a sound base? In some situations one side will know more and be right. Are you sure that’s you?

13. The Objective Objector - Do you disagree because truth and things being right are critically important to you? This is great. You’re pursing a worthy cause, but watch your delivery. Think carefully about how you present your truth or uncover the problems in the views others. Always check yourself as you remain susceptible to bias and emotion like everyone else. Be aware of what is actually subjective and not really ever going to be entirely objective at all.

14. The Tribal Follower - Do you disagree because you’re following the herd? You might not have a good knowledge of an issue yourself but you see an argument snazzily posted by someone influential and within seconds your hitting a heart to like it? Have you been swept along by the bandwagon effect? You may well be following people, but how much thought are you giving to that following? Are you simply a lemming? Do you give a moment to think about what you put your support behind? Are you a pawn in someone else’s game? There are no innocent bystanders and you might want to re-evaluate what you’re directly, and indirectly, lending your support to.

   No doubt there are more…these are simply one take on things, of course you may not agree! It unlikely this is entirely wrong for everyone though and it represents a well-meaning effort to make a positive change but prompting some honest self-reflection.

Keep disagreeing, it’s crucial. But disagree for sound reasons and improve the quality of your disagreement.

• Use the hashtag /handle when you want to call out debates that need to hear this.
• Use the hashtag / handle when you want to highlight debates that are nice.
• Nominate #DebateNice champion status to those who demonstrate high quality disagreement that shows respect.

Smile.